


Outtakes and Deleted Scenes

by injerannie94



Series: Take a lot to take me away from you [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Flashbacks, Kenya, M/M, Safari, Sibling Squabbling, but not badly, illegal drug use, tags to be added as story goes on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-03-09 11:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3247208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/injerannie94/pseuds/injerannie94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(hopefully i will in time come up with better title for this!)</p><p>bunch of flashbacks, snippets and 'deleted scenes' that didn't make it to the original story - please kudos/comment, positive and negative feedback always welcome :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pre-Fili/Kili - school flashback, pretty much fluff

Wisps of grey vapour floated up hazily through the cracked-open bathroom window from the four towel-clad boys crowded around it, curling from their fingers,the acrid smell embedding itself onto their breath and under their nails, the condensation on the grimy tiles drying rapidly in the hot air.

 

Fili took a last toke and passed it to the boy on his left, who accepted it and took an easy breath as if he’d been doing this his whole life.

 

“Oi, three-T-P, Dorian,” Bard reprimanded him, holding out a hand expectantly. Dori drew back.

 

“I’ve only had one, calm your tits,” he retorted, taking another sophisticated, effortless puff.

 

Fili could feel his knees going soft, they always did; he was never sure that was the tobacco or the stronger leaf hitting him. He stared out of the window, blinking as his eyes began to feel puffy.

 

Bard finally got hold of the joint and took a deep drag; before he released the smoke, he contorted his mouth into an absurd shape, his tongue just visible as it poked around inexpertly.

 

James laughed. “What _are_ you doing?”

 

“Blowing a smoke ring?”

 

“I didn’t see no smoke rings there.” James, still grinning, accepted the roll proffered to him. He watched too many spaghetti westerns, Fili thought dazedly, it was affecting the way he spoke.

 

Fili didn’t realize his eyes were closed, but he opened them again and felt his vision swimming. He took a few steps backwards, trying to look nonchalant as he slid down the wall til he was resting on the floor.

 

Dorian sniggered, evidently enjoying Bard’s humiliation.

 

“I’ll show you how it’s done.”

 

“I’m sure you will, black man,” Bard groused.

 

“I resent that,” James retorted good naturedly. Fili heard a collective chuckle, then two people’s sigh of admiration.

 

“And that, my friends,” James continued, an undeniable note of pride in his voice as he shifted, bare feet making sticky slapping sounds against the wet tiles as he passed on the joint. “Is how it’s done. Hey, you okay?”

 

There was a minute of silence before Fili realized James must have been talking to him.

 

Bard sighed exasperatedly. “Don’t tell me you’re whiting out again, your fucking tolerance, man –“

 

“Leave him alone,” Dori snapped, accepting the roll from James’ fingers and turning to blow his smoke out of the window.

 

“Your tell is showing.”

 

“Is not!” Dorian hastily ran to one of the sinks to check his red-eyed reflection in the slightly fogged mirror.

 

Fili sensed a presence getting closer, felt a hand on his cheek. “How are you feeling?” said a voice close to him – James.

 

Fili tried to smile – his mouth felt like a desert and he wasn’t sure if his lips were doing it right. They felt like they were quivering, tingling, but he was sure they were still. “I’m fine.”

 

“Well,” said Bard, stubbing the butt out in a puddle on the floor and chucking it out of the open window. “That’s done. Time we left the lovebirds at it,” he muttered to Dori.

 

“Shut up,” Fili croaked, his vicious intentions undermined by the fact that his eyes were still closed and his vocal chords felt like tissue paper. He imagined his lungs pixellating.

 

He heard Bard laugh as two sets of footsteps headed towards he door. “See ya. Take care of him Wangari, try not to pass out again Baggins.”

 

The footsteps faded. There were a few minutes of silence. Fili finally opened his eyes. He felt better now, more anchored. James was crouching next to him, a small smile on his face. “You feeling better?”

 

“Yeah.” James offered him a hand, and Fili took it, letting James haul him back to his feet. “I need to shower.”

 

“Me too.” They ditched their towels on a rack. “In here?” Fili suggested with a leer, tugging on James’ arm to drag them both into a single cubicle. James chuckled, wrapping an arm around Fili’s waist as he turned the water on.

 

Thankfully the bathrooms had been redone last year – no more was there a simple line of showers, not cubicles, separated only by waist-high tiled walls that in reality left nothing to the imagination. The cubicles were tiny but at least they gave a little more privacy.

 

Fili hummed as James worked shampoo through his hair, closing his eyes again, partially for protection from the soap, partially because they were starting to feel puffy again.

 

“Honestly Fili, these are disgusting. When are you going to get rid of them?”

 

“Theyr’e not!” Fili protested. “I like my dreds.”

 

“I thought this school had a strict dress code. Surely you’re giving us a bad name.”

 

“Like I give a fuck,” Fili guffawed.

 

He could hear the smile in James’ voice as he went on. “I think you’ve been rebellious enough, don’t you think your dad has got the point now?”

 

“Don’t mention my dad,” Fili muttered, sliding a hand up James chest , slick with soap. “Now is really not the time.”

 

They stepped out of the cubicle ten steamy minutes later, by which time they were both feeling hot and lightheaded. As they dried off, two boys a few forms below them entered.

 

“Evening,” James said breezily. The boys muttered a reply and stood by the door, towels clutched tight around their pale bodies, hands twitching suspiciously close to eachother as they waited for the older pair to leave.

 

As they left, James glanced over his shoulder and wolf-whistled. The boys jumped apart, whipping their heads around, eyes fearful.

 

James chortled and Fili chuckled, punching him affectionately on the arm as they made their way down the corridor. “Don’t. We were like that once.”

 

“They needed some encouragement,” James replied. “Bless them,” he added fondly.

 

“You – you don’t think they could smell anything, do you?”

 

“It’s the shower room. That’s why we don’t do it in there, there’s a ventilator and the smell just washes away.”

 

“Still, what if they tell on us?”

 

James reached out and pinched Fili’s chin. “Is someone getting paranoid?”

 

“No.” Fili scowled at James sing-song tone. “Dickhead.”

 

James laughed. His lips parted, flashing his beautiful grin, before he wound an arm around Fili’s hips, hooking his thumb in the waistband of his towel. He looked down at their bare chests, side by side. “Well, aren’t we just ebony and ivory.”

 

Fili snorted unamusedly at the joke that had been told at least a dozen times, by James and the rest of their friendship group. “Wanna go to the roof and mong out til dinner time?”

 

Naturally, they weren’t allowed to go on the roof terrace, but the roof was certainly preferable to their old-fashioned eight-person dorms, even with the minor risk of getting caught by a member of staff.

 

James guffawed. “‘ _Mong out’_. Really?”

 

“What’s wrong with ‘mong out’?”

 

“Nothing’s wrong… But for a Kenyan, you can be so bloody white sometimes.”

 

“ _You’re_ one to talk. Think of a blackberry in a pail of milk…”

 

Fili knew his mother and sister would be scandalized if they heard how they talked to eachother, but they wouldn’t have understood that it was the just way it was. It was so easy with them, racial banter included. James got a lot of mostly-friendly stick for being one of the only black boys in their predominantly sons-of-colonial-farmers all-boys school - it was an original part of the early days that had seemed to go untouched in the years that passed. Fili had been showed several boarding schools in England by his mother and was struck by how different, how modern and liberal they seemed - by comparison, his school was positively Victorian. It was a relic, firmly rooted in place and perspectives for over sixty years, and as such the student body was so predominantly white it was hardly funny, but James took it all in his stride. He was clever and though he’d had to work to get into this school, he oozed confidence in an understated, casual way.

 

He and Fili had been attracted to eachother from the moment they met in their first year of sixth form, sitting across from eachother in history class. At the first mention of “colonial powers,” James had caught Fili’s eye and grinned, rolling his eyes and shaking his head slightly. Fili smirked and chuckled in reply. The next day James set his books down on the desk next to Fili’s and the rest was… well, history.

 

“We’re just in our towels,” James reminded him, pinching the fabric to illustrate his point.

 

Fili tried to look alluring, as much as his puffy eyes and loose limbs would allow. “Nobody will be checking the roof today. It’s Sunday.”

 

“Sounds good,” James agreed.

 

“Although I warn you, I will be entering my horny-high stage soon…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... because i thought James deserves to appear somewhere hope you enjoyed! more to come Xxx


	2. The Tourist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The original chapter 2, still in the Mara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was how chapter 2 of the main story was going to go - but then it took a lot longer to write than i expected and i thought it was a bit angsty for a second chapter :P 
> 
> this takes off just at the end of chapter one (if you need a reminder: http://archiveofourown.org/works/2352329/chapters/5189915 )
> 
> let me know what you think :) Xx

 

 

“It’s fine, not the first time that’s happened.” Fili seemed a bit grumpy, Kili wasn’t sure why.

        

He soon found out. “They also said that there’s been another tourist, staying in a lodge not far from here, whose vehicle also gave up on him yesterday. They’ve asked me to pick him up and take him with us for a few days until his flight leaves the day after tomorrow. I’m really sorry to ask –“

        

“No no, that’s fine,” Kili said at once. “It’s no problem.”

        

Fili gave him a relieved smile. “Thanks. I really didn’t want to ask. The one bit of good news is that we’ve got a replacement car arriving later this evening so at least we’re set. I hate to mess you around like this.”

        

Kili grinned at him. “You’re not messing me around. And these things happen. It’s only for a few days right?”

        

……

        

They left early the next morning to pick up their guest from his lodge.

Kili laughed out loud as he laid eyes on the man shuffling briskly towards their car – he looked as if he had bought the whole safari kit, beige button-up shirt, and proper walking-shoes, despite the fact that they’d be spending the day in the car. To top it off he had a safari helmet. Kili felt positively shabby in his kikoi and tshirt - at least it was a clean one today. Fili, back in his uniform polo, shot him a frown, though he looked as though he were suppressing a smile too.

        

The man, having noticed nothing, opened the car and immediately shoved his hand into Kili’s face. “Giles Spencer! Pleasure to meet you!”

        

“Pleasure…” Kili replied, a little taken aback by this man’s gusto.

        

“I’m Philip,” Fili introduced himself, accepting the hand thrust into his own face too.

        

“You know, I’ve had quite a rotten time holed up in my lodge all day yesterday, I was not pleased. I’ve half a mind to write to whoever manages your company and give them a piece of my mind!”

        

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” Fili replied smoothly, ignoring the disbelieving glance Kili threw at him. “I’m sure you’ll be reimbursed for the hiccup.”

 

“Hiccup! More than a hiccup! These things happen in the wild, aren’t you people prepared?”

 

Fili declined to offer an informative reply about the logistics of trying to set up a full-on mechanic’s garage in the bush, but luckily was distracted as Kili nudged him, pointing at a pair of cars stopped up ahead, watching something.

 

Giles stared at Kili’s camera as he pulled it out, resting it on the metal frame of the car to get a steady shot. “Quite a machine.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I don’t take photos,” he said loftily. “I prefer to just enjoy the nature. The best photos are taken by the mind, and they last forever.”

 

“Or until you get old,” Kili muttered to himself. Aloud, he said, “I’m hoping to become a wildlife photographer.”

 

“Oh. Is this your first time on safari?”

 

“Yes. I’ve never been out of the UK before,” Kili admitted.

 

“Ah.” Giles’ patronizing expression made Kili want to punch him. “I haven’t seen you at my lodge – where are you staying?”

 

“We’re camping.”

 

“Gosh. How beastly.”

 

“It’s good fun,” he replied acidly. He lined up his camera, adjusted the exposure settings. “I feel closer to nature that way,” he added sweetly for good measure. He was still staring down his viewfinder so missed Giles’ affronted expression and the smile twitching around Fili’s mouth.

 

It wasn’t a great morning. Because of the detour they’d had to make to get to the lodge, they’d missed the precious cool morning hours, and by the time they’d set off the sun was rising in the sky, and most of the animals had retreated in the forest to rest during the hottest stretch of the day. Kili stared hard at the bushes around the road as they bumped past, wondering how many of them were housing sleepy lions, lethargic and magnificent, so _close_ yet completely concealed.

 

When lunchtime came, Giles pulled his packed lunch, made by his lodge, out of his rucksack. Kili watched as he opened it gleefully, revealing a bottle of sparkling water, three pieces of fruit, a tray of seafood pasta salad, a Godiva chocolate bar and a muffin. He even had metal cutlery and a cloth napkin, which he spread prudishly over his lap before tucking into his feast of a ‘picnic’ lunch.

 

Kili gurgled on his juicebox and told Fili more than once that his cellophane-wrapped sandwiches were delicious.

 

The afternoon passed in a similar way to the morning – it felt like hours that they drove past yellow savanna, green hills, spiky gold and emerald trees. Kili didn’t mind, standing on his seat to feel the wind flapping his hair around and enjoy the scenery; he’d seen plenty of wildlife in the past week, and Fili had reiterated to him again and again that safari could be hit and miss – there was a lot of luck involved, a lot of being in the right place at the right time.

 

Giles was less impressed. “Where are the _animals_ today?” he groused.

 

Fili didn’t hear, staring intently out of the window; Giles cleared his throat and looked as if he might be about to repeat himself louder when Fili slowed and pointed. “Rhino.”

 

Kili whipped around and stared in the direction Fili was pointing. Yes, _there_ , in the midst of the brushland, interspersed with the occasional tree, was a grey shape. It could have been a huge prehistoric rock, if not for the elegant arching horn protruding from his head. Fili had good eyes, Kili thought to himself, fumbling for his binoculars. (What Kili didn’t know, but Fili did, was that rhinos, while rare, were predictable – they were creatures of habit and there were some places they could be trusted to be seen: you just had to know where.)

 

“Black or white?” Fili asked Kili, smiling as he watched Kili squinting through his binoculars, mouth hanging open slightly in awe. He had explained to Kili a few days ago how to differentiate between the two kinds of rhino: black were more solitary, and had a pointed, prehensile lip; white rhino derived their name from a mistranslation referring to their ‘wide’ lips.

 

“Black, of course,” Giles scoffed and Kili scowled, annoyed he’d interrupted his and Fili’s guessing game.

 

“Correct.” Fili sounded a little disappointed too. “Black rhino are more likely to keep their heads up; white rhino keep their heads closer to the ground, their jaws are much heavier.”

 

“I know that,” Giles retorted. Neither of them pointed out that Fili had been talking to Kili.

 

“It’s miles away.”

 

“If we wait, it might come closer to the road,” Fili suggested.

 

“Can’t we get nearer to it?”

 

“It’s against the rules to drive off-road. The rangers will fine you.”

 

“There’s no rangers here now. There’s no one else around. Go on,” Giles goaded.

 

Fili didn’t move. “It’s not about not getting caught.”

 

Giles huffed. “It’s not much, only a hundred metres or so. Come on.”

 

“I don’t think so.” Kili shivered at the steely undertone in Fili’s voice. He concentrated on lining up a good shot – if only the rhino would turn profile, he could get a shot of that beautiful horn…

 

“I bet other people do it. This country is full of corruption. Shouldn’t be hard to persuade someone to bend the rules a little.” Giles sounded aloof, arrogant, his tone imbued with his own self-righteousness.

 

“We have to respect the environment. And the animals.” Fili was doing very well at keeping his voice calm, despite the bubbling anger growing in him at Giles’ audacity. “You have to give them space. This isn’t a zoo, they aren’t tame.”

 

“Do you know how much I paid to come here?! A lot of money, I’ll tell you that!”

 

“Well maybe next time, you should go find yourself a _corrupt_ company who will take you where you like!”

 

Kili winced as Fili shouted. There was silence. The rhino, who had looked up at the sound, lowered its head and continued grazing.

 

“I will be filing a complaint about you,” Giles informed Fili coldly.

 

“Be my guest,” Fili muttered through gritted teeth, twisting the key in the ignition; even the car sounded angry as it jumped to life.

 

……

 

It went unspoken that after that the day was over. They drove back to the lodge in stony silence. A hundred metres from the gates, Giles spoke, in a clipped tone, the first words he’d uttered since his outburst. “Stop. Stop the car.”

 

Fili obeyed. Giles fumbled with the door before throwing it open.

 

“You’re not allowed to get out of the car,” Fili told him wearily.

 

“If you think I’m spending any more time in this car with you, you are mistaken!” he retorted tersely. He slammed the door and they watched him storm up the drive, through the gates and disappear from sight.

 

“Just had to make sure he wasn’t eaten by a lion or something,” Fili muttered. He started the car.

 

“Do you think he meant it?” Kili asked as they rejoined the main road, a wide red-dust track leading back to the park entrance.

 

“Meant what?”

 

“The complaint thing.”

 

Fili shrugged. His eyes were cold. “Probably. If he does, I’ll give them my side of the story though – and I doubt they’ll fire me. We get a lot of dickhead tourists who think that because they pay us money they can ask us to do whatever they want. They don’t understand there’s rules. Even if this country is ‘ _corrupt_ ’.” Fili said the last word with a mocking sneer.

 

“People think it’s madness out here. That just because they’re away from home and they’re in Africa there are no rules. They think there’s no repercussions because they’re white and foreign and their governments will protect them. They don’t get that they aren’t in England, they’re not in America anymore. You’ve got to respect the rules where you are.”

Kili could tell this was a topic that bugged Fili a lot, and he didn’t get a chance to say it aloud very often.

 

“It’s like those people you hear who get drunk on beaches in Saudi Arabia,” he offered.

 

“Exactly. Or those people who get out of their cars to stand next to a lion for a nice photo and then get eaten, or worse, the lion gets shot. Such a waste of a life. And so unfair. These people think they’re above it all, they just don’t get it.”

 

“They don’t,” Kili agreed.

 

“They think they’re fucking god or something.”

 

“If he does complain and you need someone to back you up, I’ll tell them he tried to bribe you,” Kili found himself saying. “With sexual favours,” he added.

 

A bubbling laugh rose from Fili’s throat and when Kili looked over at him, he saw the blond was grinning. “I sincerely hope it doesn’t come to that – but thanks.”

 

“I’m sure it happens to pretty boys like you all the time,” Kili teased.

 

“Well,” Fili mumbled. “I get… a lot of women… I dunno, I guess they like the rugged bush-man look… thing.” He concentrated extra hard on the road, cheeks turning pink. Kili laughed delightedly.

 

“Shut up or I’ll regret telling you that.”

 

“No promises,” Kili retorted in a singsong way. He hoped Fili didn’t think he was just another person attracted to the ‘rugged bush-man look… thing’. If he even _was_ – Kili pushed those thoughts away before his blush could give them away.

 

 


	3. Babysitting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this scene happens just after chapter 19 in the original story... In Which Tauriel Gets Sweet Revenge (or tries to)

“WOULDYOUTWOSTOPI’VEHADITTOTHEBACKTEETHWITHYOURSQUABBLING!”

 

The silence that fell was like an abyss, plunging endlessly down and onwards in the sudden stillness that his words, spell-like, had evoked. The twins were both frozen, staring at him wide-eyed, knuckles turning white on the camera gripped between four hands, muscles standing out on four arms as they silently strained to seize it. Frodo had started drooling around the pencil stuck in his mouth, dark eyes like saucers, a string of dribble pooling on the now-ignored colouring book on the floor next to him. Even Legolas had stilled from his position in the corner, engrossed in a book and pretending to be invisible.

 

He wasn’t sure what had finally been the last straw; the interruption of his and Fili’s hot make out session by Tauriel, brandishing Fili’s stolen camera; her crow of vengeful delight as she snapped a series of quick pictures before bolting a hasty retreat; the fact that Fili had wasted no time in extricating himself from their bed to chase after her ( _there’s love, if I ever saw it,_ thought Kili); or the fact that now, two hours later, they were still squabbling over the incident.

 

Tauriel had initially barricaded herself in her room, emerging only to assure Fili smugly that she had hidden it somewhere he’d never find it. She locked the door and took the key with her; wisely so, Kili thought. Unwisely, she had neglected to remember that among Fili’s many talents were the ability to track wild animals, hotwire a car, and of course, he was an excellent lock-picker - it was therefore only a matter of time before Fili had broken into her bedroom and ransacked it. The foolishness continued as Fili, instead of quietly sneaking out of the room and leaving a ‘haha, gotcha’ note for Tauriel to find later, insisted on taunting her at her choice of an ‘impossible to find’ hiding place - culminating now with the two of them fighting over the camera like seagulls over spilled chips at Brighton Pier.

 

The twins’ sorrowful eyes followed Kili as he walked across the room, determinately not looking at them, to pluck the saliva-soaked pencil from Frodo’s mouth.

 

“Bilbo and Dis left us to _babysit_ for the weekend and it turns out _you_ are the ones needing babysitting because you’re so goddam childish you need constant distraction or else you’d spend all day _fighting!!!_ Am I right, Legolas?”

 

Legolas, if possible, looked even more like he wished he could blend into the bookshelf behind him.

 

 _Wimp_.

 

Kili heaved Frodo into his arms. “We’re going to have lunch. And Frodo is going to get ice cream. Unlike _any of you_ ,” he glowered, noticing them all quail under the force of his scowl. He turned on his heel and, nose in the air, narrowly surpressing the urge to add ‘ _Now_ _you go to your rooms and think about what you’ve done!_ ’, headed down to the hall to the kitchen, leaving the silence to stretch uncomfortably on in his absence.

 

Kili was staring at the stove, Frodo gurgling away in his high-chair behind him as he tried to figure out how it turned on, when a pair of arms wrapped around his chest and a chin pressed into his shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry,” Fili whined with a voice full of remorse.

 

“It’s not just _me_ you have to apologise to.”

 

“Tauriel is saying sorry to Legolas. In her own way…”

 

Kili snorted. He spotted a knob that looked promising and turned it.

 

“I meant it. You guys are f-“ A gurgle from Frodo reminded him that there was a minor in the room and Kili changed track rapidly: “- _annoying_!”

 

“Sorry,” Fili mumbled guiltily, kissing the side of Kili’s neck by way of further apology. “I promise we’ll – try to get along.”

 

“You better,” Kili growled. He frowned at the stove.

 

“The oven’s on cleaner setting.”

 

“I know!” Kili flicked off the switch he’d touched a second ago. Fili reached around him and turned a different dial. The light pinged on and the oven began to make a humming noise.

 

“Forgive me?”

 

“In a bit,” Kili groused. He turned around in Fili’s arms and stuck his tongue out at Fili’s puppy eyes. “Did you at least get your camera back and delete those pictures?”

 

“Yes… and no…” Fili coughed uncomfortably, reaching a hand up to run a hand through his hair. “Um, the pictures – they’re kinda hot.”

 

Something inside Kili squirmed interestedly. “Can I see them?”

 

Fili brought his lips close to Kili’s ear. “ _In a bit_.”

 

“I want juice!” Frodo shouted suddenly, tired of being ignored and unable to hear their murmured conversation.

 

“But of course, your highness!” Fili said immediately, bowing lowly to Frodo, then running to the fridge, leaving Kili to shove a tray of fish fingers in the oven to hide his suddenly flushed cheeks.

 


	4. Fili's Mum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kili meets Fili's mum. and midnight feasting ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a potential penultimate chapter for the main story which just never got finished in time. sorry in advance for the kinda crap ending - i've been mulling over this for weeks and couldn't think of anything better/less cheesy!
> 
>  
> 
> Alsooo... news. look out this weekend for the sequel of Little Lion Man! to be entitled 'Out of Africa' (if that isn't giving away enough of the story) hehe X

Fili’s mum wore silver Ethiopian bangles and white clothes.

 

Kili was reminded vehemently of the first time he and Fili had gone to the Muthaiga club and felt his self-worth shrivel like a slug in salt.

 

Nonetheless, around her aura of Chanel no. 5 and effortless style, Tanya opened her arms and enveloped them both in a big blonde hug. “Hello _darlings_! Kili, so wonderful to meet you.”

 

Her house was littered with relics from her African life, but while the same items overflowed in the Naivasha house, giraffe bones mixed with Masai beads and ostrich feathers residing messily and casually in every room, they looked exotic and arty in this house, masks and statues arranged neatly on shelves like museum exhibits, while illuminated tinga-tinga paintings and prints hung on the walls, a hundred animal eyes following their every move as Tanya gave Kili a tour of the house.

 

Tanya’s husband Miles materialized, dressed suavely in a black cashmere jumper and chinos that fit like a glove, and began making cocktails at the minibar. They sat with their drinks on the fashionable futons and sofa in the living room – Kili sipped politely on his Americano, pretending it wasn’t the bitterest drink he’d ever tasted. Conversation ranged from the work they were planning on the house, to the weather, to politics, and, of course, inevitably, baby Edith.

 

They sat down at 8pm promptly for a dinner of quinoa bake with aubergines and peppers (Kili wondered how best to ask Fili if they could stop by a kebab shop on their way back home without appearing rude) but those thoughts left his head when Tanya, after Fili checked his watch and suggested they head soon to avoid missing the last train, exclaimed “But _no_ , Fili, I thought you were staying the night! We prepared beds and everything.”

 

Fili raised an eyebrow. “Beds?”

 

Tanya blushed. “Well. Bed,” she amended.

 

“Beds,” Fili snorted an hour later behind closed doors, at midnight after they had said goodnight. “We’re _living_ together, we’re not teenagers any more.”

 

He stretched out on the vast double bed in the middle of the room. The bedclothes were rich red and shiny – silk? satin? Kili didn’t know. The room was cosy, but something about it still made him think of home décor magazines and hotel suites.

 

Fili noticed Kili eyeing the room warily and leaned up on his elbows. “Is there a problem?”

 

“No.” There wasn’t, he was being silly. It _was_ silly, being intimidated by the wealth that clearly emanated from Fili’s family’s pores, when Fili himself preferred to throw together a tent in the middle of the bush and eat meals made from food salvaged from the reduced section at the supermarket. He was being daft.

 

“It’s kinda nice isn’t it?” Kili looked up from array of glass ornaments on the windowsill to see Fili letting his head thunk down onto the mattress, eyes closed and lips quirked in a smile of bliss. “Makes you feel rich.”

 

“Yeah.” Kili put down the crystal animal he’d been turning over in his hands – if he fiddled with it any longer he’d probably break it. It was probably Swarovski or something. He would never understand the allure of highly breakable shiny trinkets.

 

Fili smiled, patting the bed next to him in hopeful invitation. Kili obliged, pulling off his jumper to flop down next to Fili in his t-shirt.

 

Fili stroked his cheek slowly with one finger. “This colour… it does wonders to you,” he whispered. “You should wear red.”

 

“I don’t have any red clothes.”

 

“That should change.”

 

“Well, my birthday’s coming up.”

 

Fili chuckled. “Duly noted.” He checked his watch and sat up. “It’s not that late. We should go out. There are some nice bars around here.”

 

Kili thought of the drinks prices he’d seen advertised at the chic-y bars they’d passed on the way over and wrinkled his nose. “Yeah. But we’re getting old.”

 

“You’re only as old as you feel,” Fili countered.

 

“Yeah. And how old would you feel surrounded by London’s hippest clubbers?”

 

“Fair point,” Fili grumbled.

 

At that moment, Kili’s stomach gave an almighty rumble. Fili’s eyes widened at the sheer volume of it as Kili hastily covered his stomach with his hands as if that would muffle the noise.

 

“Are you hungry?”

 

“Starving.”

 

“Me too.” Kili breathed a sigh of relief as Fili grimaced and got to his feet. “I hate it when mum goes through her vegan phases. Let’s go find some real food.”

 

The house was dark and quiet, Miles and Tanya having retired to bed an hour or so earlier. Fili scowled at the contents of the fridge. “For god’s sake. Not even an _egg_.”

 

“I saw a twenty-four hour Tesco down the road.”

 

They bought frozen pizzas and wasted no time in throwing them into the oven as soon as they got back. Kili cracked open the jar of chocolate spread he’d sneaked into the trolley and began eating it unashamedly with a spoon.

 

“Dessert before dinner?”

 

Kili shrugged. “You know that.”

 

Fili stood behind the bar and pulled out a few bottles. “Drink? What do you fancy?”

 

“Don’t mind.”

 

“In fact, you should be doing this, didn’t you work in a bar?”

 

“Pulling pints. It’s hardly the same thing,” Kili retorted, but went to stand behind the minibar anyway. He perused the shelves, admiring the selection and picking out a light rum.

 

“Ah, mojitos,” Fili sighed, as Kili pushed two glasses across the bar. “I thought you didn’t do cocktails?”

 

“Meh.” Kili tossed the bottle of rum behind his back and caught it with his other hand, grinning as Fili’s eyes widened. “Maybe a few. And some flair-bar-manning.”

 

“A man of many talents,” Fili approved.

 

“Do you have any Cointreau? If there is, I can show you this trick we used to do with orange peel and fire, it was awesome –” The rest of Kili’s sentence was lost as his wandering eye landed on a very special bottle. His mouth fell open.

 

“Fuck,” he murmured.

 

Fili peered over at the bottle, now clasped like a jewel in Kili’s hands. “Oh yeah. I bought that for Miles’ birthday last year.”

 

Kili wheeled around. “ _Really_?!”

 

“No. I’m kidding.” Fili took a sip of his drink and stared at the bottle cradled in Kili’s arms quizzically. “Why, what’s the big deal?”

 

“Glenfidditch. This thing costs _hundreds of pounds_.” Kili gazed at the bottle as if it was made of gold itself. “What a vintage,” he added, awese

truck, tracing the embossed date on the label with the air of touching something precious beyond dreams.

 

“Dare you to take a shot,” Fili challenged. Kili looked scandalized.

 

“This stuff is over fifty years old,” Kili snapped. “And it’s _expensive_! Besides, you can’t knock back _Glenfidditch!_

 

“I will if you will.”

 

“Fili, _no_.”

 

“Come on,” he urged. “You know you want to...” he added in a sing-song tone.

 

Fili knew Kili. And he knew the adventurous-borderline-mischievous streak now hiding behind all Kili’s self-righteous purporting about this mysterious whiskey. One look at his face told Fili he was right.

 

He grabbed two glasses and wrestled the bottle from Kili’s hands.

 

“Fee –“

 

“Santé.”

 

They downed the shots in one, both of them pulling horrible faces.

 

“Urgh… God… that’s _disgusting!_ I can’t believe people pay for this shit.”

 

“That’s because you’re meant to drink it slowly. You’re meant to savour the taste. Put it back before Miles notices and gets pissed.”

 

“Another shot?”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

“And anoth-“ Fili began, making as if to pour a third shot when he was interrupted by a ping. Kili’s eyes lit up. “Pizza’s ready!”

 

“I’m still hungry,” Kili complained ten minutes later, the pizzas demolished, a few crumbs the only clues to bear witness to their existence at all.

 

“…It looks like Mum found Miles’ secret stash of cheese,” Fili groaned, peering into the freezer. Kili moaned, clutching at his stomach. “Toasties are off then. But look at this!” Fili pulled out a round tub from the very back of the freezer. “Vegan ice-cream!”

 

It actually wasn’t bad, and they brought the tub with them to bed as they crawled under the covers, opening Netflix on Fili’s laptop and balancing it on their knees.

 

“Your house is lovely,” Kili told Fili sleepily as the theme tune of _Better Call Saul_ twanged.

 

“I like yours better,” Fili murmured.

 

“Really? Why?”

 

“It’s got so much character. You can tell everything’s there for a reason. Nothing’s there to try and prove something. And it’s got a dog,” he added.

 

Kili snorted. “I’m glad Bella’s the winning streak.”

 

“But you know which house I like best?”

 

Kili waited.

 

“Ours.”

 

“Stop being a sap and let’s watch this.”

 

“I was trying to be _loving_.”

 

“It won’t get you laid if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m too full now. And I want to see what happens to Jimmy. I mean Saul. Whoever he is.”

 

“This TV show is ruining my sex life,” Fili grumbled.

 

“Have some ice-cream and stop moaning.”

 

“We’ve become that couple haven’t we?” Fili groaned.

 

“That we have, babe.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments always appreciated :) X


	5. The Wrong Way To Make Babies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am taking advantage of a day off to finally do all my updating for this universe :) I've had this little piece on my computer for AGES but i didn't want to post it before i finally put up the epilogue for Little Lion Man which is now up so please go see it if you want, and hope you enjoy! X

 

Fili’s parents had always had a relatively liberal attitude towards alcohol, so their variety and the consequent results of them had never been a secret to him.

 

There were many kinds of drunk Fili: tequila got him wasted; wine made him emotional; whiskey made him noisy; vodka made him happy. And anything fizzy made him merry and potentially annoying.

 

It was much of the latter that had gotten him into such a state tonight, where, even though he was alone, he could barely control his giggles. Magdalene, dutiful designated driver, dropped him off home where he climbed ungainly over the gate and stumbled towards the front gate. He patted himself on the back – _well done him_. He should get best-man award of the year – there was no way Bard was going to forget his stag night _ever_. Or perhaps he was – and that was the point. Either way.

 

Why were his boots such a struggle to get off. Fucking laces. Funny laces.

 

He poked Kili awake. “Kili. Kiiiili.”

 

Kili scrunched up his face and pretended he hadn’t woken as soon as he heard the front door opening downstairs. “Fee, I’m sleeping.”

 

“No you’re not, you’re talking.”

 

“You picked a bad time to be perceptive,” Kili muttered. He rolled over and blinked his eyes open properly as he watched Fili struggling with his footwear.

 

“Usually I’m the lightweight,” Kili commented as Fili gave up and clambered into bed with them still on. Fili made no reply, but as he scooted over and nuzzled into Kili’s shoulder, Kili could hear the stifled sniggers shaking his body and Fili’s poor attempts to control them.

 

“Are you a bit high, Fee?”

 

“Nooo. You know champagne makes me giggly.”

 

“Yeah, and champagne and marijuana more so.”

 

“It was just a bit,” Fili relented. Kili rolled his eyes but chuckled. “It was _Bard’s_ stag night.”

 

“I can’t believe Bard is getting married.”

 

“You better believe it - you’re talking to his best man.”

 

Kili gave a sleepy hum in reply and soon Fili could hear his breathing start to slow. He scooted to Kili’s side and wrapped an arm around him. Kili felt so warm and cuddly – and hot. Kili was always hot.

 

“Are you grinding on me?”

 

“I’m horny,” Fili half-whined.

 

“I’m not, I’m sleepy and I’ve got work in the morning.”

 

“We both know that’s not true,” Fili whispered, ghosting his fingers over Kili’s hardening crotch.

 

“Shut up,” Kili mumbled.

 

“Be late for work… please…”

 

Kili remained stoic until Fili began mouthing at the spot just below his ear - the combination of his hands and mouth, in that place Fili _knew_ he couldn’t resist made him shiver. He groaned, twisted in Fili’s arms, buried his fingers in Fili’s hair and countered with a bruising kiss.

 

“I’m blaming you if I get in trouble,” he breathed as Fili moaned.

 

They made out for several minutes, kicking covers off as they became a hindrance. Fili rolled, succeeding in tumbling them both out of bed with an ungainly thump.

 

“Ow! Hey,” Kili grumbled, reaching automatically to rub his sore head but Fili’s hands beat him to it, his lips latching onto Kili’s neck, providing a welcome distraction from the throbbing. Kili sighed before Fili covered his mouth with his own again. Their hips rutted together, both their breaths coming in sharp gasps.

 

“We should have a baby,” Fili whispered.

 

“What?”

 

His drunken mind dimly registered he’d said something very important, but it was vague enough that he said it again.

 

“You heard me. We should have a _baby_.”

 

There was a heartbeat of silence.

 

“Um. Fili?” Kili’s voice came from the dark beneath him. “I’m not sure this is how to go about it.”

 

Fili started to laugh – uncontrollably. Kili soon joined him. Fili couldn’t hold himself up on his arms any longer, so he rolled off and they lay side-by side on the carpet, giggling.

 

“You’ve been talking to your straight friends again.”

 

“Maybe. They’re a bad influence.”

 

Kili unlocked his hand from Fili’s to wipe at his streaming eyes. Fili leaned over him again, trailing a hand down his abdomen.

 

“Aw, it’s gone,” he moaned.

 

“I’m not surprised. Way to kill the mood,” Kili retorted. “Let’s go to bed.”

 

Still chuckling, Kili got to his feet and dragged Fili up and under the covers.

 

“I’ll remember this,” Fili informed him as he curled his arms around Kili. “I won’t forget.”

 

“Does that mean you meant it?”

 

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while.” The words came out of the blue. Kili’s felt his eyes widen in surprise.

 

“After all, my biological clock is ticking,” Fili said with mock somberness, making Kili crack up again.

 

“We’d best get on it then.”

 

“Yes. I’ll get on the tinternet tomorrow and look up... stuff.”

 

“It’s either _tinternet_ or _the internet_ ,” Kili groaned, mentally wishing he hadn’t ever said the very English phrase in front of Fili. “You can’t say both.”

 

“Whatever,” Fili mumbled. “It’s cute when you say it.”

 

“Cos I say it right.”

 

The next sound to come from Fili was an almighty snore.

 

“You daft drunk,” Kili muttered fondly. He lay with his eyes open, not even pretending to sleep – how was he supposed to sleep now, his nerves buzzing like firecrackers for the next step of their great adventure.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all kudos/comments/suggestions welcomed with almighty gratitude :) X
> 
> also now find me on tumblr! injera94.tumblr.com


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